I am not one to purchase or glance at dating novels. With the reviews and discussions I have read and heard in the media, it seemed like a trendy case study…since there is nothing else significant about “Millennials.” However, when I received “It’s Just A F***ing Date” by Greg Behrendt and Amiira Ruotola as a casual gift, I decided…just for kicks…to open the book. I must admit, this is a funny book.
With a fun and light-hearted tone, Greg and Amiira provide a straight-to-the-point guide to help you become a winner-dater and learn how to seize-the-date. Without going into too much detail about my love life – granted if it was scandalous, TMZ would have already provided all the photos and footage for you – I have experienced a few of the scenarios that are mentioned in the book, from agreeing to “hang out,” to reading too much into someone’s potential, to just shutting people out. The nice thing about this book is that they do not bash anyone. No gender is written as the villain and you do not have to change who you are to get a date.
Here is a summary of their tips. Regardless if you collect these kinds of books, I recommend you treat yourself to a good laugh.
Principles for Winner Dating
1. Like Yourself and Know You’re Worthy
You need to be your own cheerleader, rock star, and self-esteem guru. Being happy all the time is hard work…and you definitely should not pretend if you actually are not happy…but carrying around negative vibes is not attractive. Our self-esteem gets bruised quite a bit as we grow up. This book has a wonderful exercise to get back that child-like self-image you once had: ask yourself “when was the best period of your life?” and then figure out what changed and what are you going to do to get that feeling back.
2. Get a Life, Have a Life
Being genuinely busy with things you enjoy is attractive. It adds to the challenge of pursuing you and earning your time and affection. Greg and Amiira warn you to not drop everything you used to do to be more available, because it will probably make your date run away. Your presence can transform from valuable to burdensome. If you do not have much a life now, start developing some hobbies and little adventures. It will not only make you more interesting, but also add to the conversation.
3. Pretty Is As Pretty Does
This tip is primarily speaking to women in emphasizing the fact that men are visual, so what you look like counts. You do not need to resemble a supermodel, but it should be obvious that you make an effort with your appearance, your home, your work desk, and your life in general. This is not only appealing to the eye, but proves you would be willing to make an effort in a relationship.
4. Don’t Accept Less Than An Actual Date
This goes along with the infamous confusion between “date” and “hang out / quasi date / hooking up / tagging along / etc”. This is a big one. There are so many blogs that focus solely on how to interpret the grey areas we create for ourselves. Basically, if you prefer to avoid this confusion, you need to insist that he or she asks you on a date.
5. Don’t Freak People Out With Your Need
This is a tricky tip. You need to restrain the excitement of future possibilities after a successful date. Do not start a wedding Pinterest board just because he called the day after. Do not seek reassurance of their feelings for you in every form of communication.
6. Doormats Finish Last And End Up In The Dirt
This discussion between standards and deal breakers is really relevant. Standards are things you uphold to adhere to your values, deal breakers are things that can keep you from finding love. Quote from p.112 “Your whole life goes better when you live by a set of standards, because they teach people how to treat you.”
7. Don’t Show The Movie Before The Trailer
Intimacy. (I prefer that word because it sounds more meaningful, rather then sex, which is used so loosely.) Rushing into it does not always result in something memorable. Instead, savor the first butterflies in your stomach, first hug, first kiss, and then the first time.
8. Not Every Date Is Going To Turn Into A Relationship
Accept the fact that you will not always be in sync with the person you are dating. Some people catch feelings quicker then others. Just remember to take your time, be the real you, and be in the moment.
Principles for Seizing The Date
1. There Is No One Place To Meet Guys (or people you want to go out on a date with)
Develop a habit to spend time in places where you are your best self. Your hobbies are a great place to start. The philosophy behind this is that when you are occupied with what you enjoy, you are beaming with positive vibes and happiness…which is attractive. In return, people who are potential dates will be drawn to you.
2. The Power of Suggestion
Give the right signals to get asked on a date. This can vary from being confidently forward and politely shy, whichever works for you. This includes how you look, making eye contact, flirting, body language, and what to say. For example, “Besides asking me out, what are you up to this weekend?”
3. It’s Just a F***ing First Date
A list of do’s and don’ts, which depends on what you find important on a date. Do…be on time, flirt, eat an actual meal, compliment him on his choice of restaurant, shirt, or good sense in asking you out, let him know you had a great time. Don’t…drink too much, talk about your ex, ask inappropriate questions (like..how much money do you make?), go back to their place, have sex.
4. First Date Follow-Up
Here they have a chart explaining how to interpret the time it takes for your date to call or text you after your first date. I am not sure how one measures this. Basically, you should give your date some space to think about you and the possibility of a relationship; you should also consider it a booty call if he disappears a week afterwards.
5. 2nd Date and Beyond
A list of acceptable places to have a 2nd date, including movie, dinner, concert, art museum, and what not to do…lunch or breakfast is apparently a downgrade.
Again, appreciate intimacy…exclusively. You do not need to set a certain number of days, but try to get to know each other more first. They also suggest Date #10 should be the scheduled big event.